Unidentified Flying Nevers

About

A small sampling from the irrepressibly irreverent and ever-creative Jan Cox:

"Excerpts from the long ignored writings from antiquity called by some: “Mouth Sores For The Mind; Unsettling Verbal Sights; Readings Requiring A Hard Hat; Chronicles Of Calculated Cranial Caterwauling; Views No One Cares To Use” (but by all in the know, simply: UFN's: Unidentified Flying Nevers)."

Never let a fry cook see you naked!

Never do your confessional at a church named: Our Lady Of Perpetual Gossip.

Never, even if you own a garage, suddenly ask the Chief Of Police if he would like a quick lube-job.

Never pay homage to a shrine that's on a flatbed truck.

Never fail to respond to a charitable solicitation from the Ministry Of Torture.

Never stay in a hotel that uses hyenas for towels.

Never patch a child’s raincoat with pancake batter.

Never discuss your travel-plans with a skip tracer.

Never take No for an answer unless No was the correct answer (or the question was: “Do I have to die just now?”)

Never order the special-of-the-day–--unless it is you.

Never, even in an emergency, use a boa constrictor as a necktie (or a Death Stalker scorpion as a means of identification).

Never turn your social calendar over to a person you just met on the bus.

Never be a good sport unless the referee is watching (or you’re just too tired to care).

Never accept psychiatric care from a doctor whose academic degree lists him as: Grand Rap Master.

Never escape by the-skin-of-your-teeth (unless it’s out of a window at the Molar Motel).

Never have a hearty-laugh when the joke’s on you--and you're the only one who doesn't realize it.

Never let someone’s unmarried brother-in-law act as your official fashion-coordinator.

Never go-out-in-the-elements…unless they’re good ones, like Zinc, Argon, Lithium and the like.

Never try to lead when dancing with the Secretary Of Bad News & Death (or attempt to dip the Minister Of Sewers).

Never act-on-a-hunch unless it involves a stooped thespian.

Never pay attention to any shot-heard-round-the-world, unless it is aimed at you.

Never offer to buy a gun that’s pointed at you.

Never ask a dog that’s foaming at the mouth if he’s seen your kitty.

Never shout at a surly waiter holding a hand grenade: “Do you know who the hell I am!”

Never ask a mass murderer for his thought-of-the-day.

Never pay extra for batteries (and never put Tab A into Slot B).

Never appear to be overly patriotic in the middle of a battlefield, or in an enemy’s field hospital.

Never gladly return anything you rightfully found or stole.

Never expect anything from a god you can’t see.

Never look up a word you don’t already know.

Never purchase an expensive piece of jewelry whose primary fashion-statement is built around tinfoil.

Never demand that a guillotine operator: “prove it!”

Never batten-down-the-hatches until you’ve given-them-fair-warning, (and sufficient time to clean-up-their-act).

Never contribute to the Insect Resettlement Program.

Never expect anyone to get-it-right-the-first-time (even a man in a nice suit).

Never buy scalped tickets to an execution.

Never while explaining the details of a crime to a petite kosher detective inadvertently say, circumcisions for, circumstances.

Never run the risk of claiming that you have-the-answer, but you’re safe in insisting that yours is the ultimate question.

Never wax-your-thighs during an electrical storm.

Never fear-the-unknown – but hold on to your hat if the KNOWN shows up!